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DD's of 2005 by krissimonsta

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May 16, 2004
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The car was stuffy and cramped. The rain tumbling down upon the roof of the exhausted Tempo showed no signs of letting up anytime soon. The sheer velocity of the howling wind in conjunction with the sheets rain of spilling out from the clouds above created just enough noise to drown out the music creeping past tired speakers. A little girl sighed in despair as she asked her father why they were here for what was quite possibly the fourth time in the span of a minute.

He said nothing and continued to hum along to music he could not hear.

Clearly frustrated, the little girl tugged at a few loose pieces of thread on the head-rest in front of her. When she had freed a few strands, she twirled them around while in the grasp of two small fingers.

"Lookit." she exclaimed to the little boy beside her.

"What?" he asked.

"It's fairy hair because it's blue." she told him. "That means it came from a fairy."

"No it doesn't." the boy replied.

"Yes, it does."

"You're stupid," he told her. "It came from the seat. I saw you pick it."

The girl flicked the strands of thread towards the boy in typical sibling quarreling fashion and yelped when he began to dig his nails into her forearm.

"Daddy!" she cried out. "He's hurting me! Ow, stop it!"

Hands were swatted away, but daddy said nothing and continued to hum along to music he could not hear.

The fighting eventually subsided and both children went back to their watchful positions beside their respected windows. The girl had the view of the hospital while the boy stared out at miles upon miles of trees and bushes.

Squinting through the rain splattered upon the window, the girl tried to picture what was going on inside the looming building in the near distance. It was massive in size to anyone who stood before it, but to a small child, it was enormous. The rain had soaked into the brick making the entire building appear dark and dreary. Just like a prison, the girl thought. The kind of architectural failure where people limp through empty corridors with debilitating balls and chains strapped around their ankles. The girl wondered what her mother had done to receive such a punishment. Surely she hadn't done anything wrong. In fact, she had let them have chocolate milk before bed the night before. In the eyes of her daughter, she was a Goddess. A Nestlé Quick queen.

"Is mommy sick?" the girl wondered out loud. She never intended for her father to hear her because of the many previous failed attempts to capture his attention beforehand.

"No." he responded roughly.

"Why are we at the ospital?" the boy asked.

"It's hospital dumb-bum." his sister corrected him.

"Your mother is visiting a sick friend."

"Who?" the boy and girl asked in unison.

"No one you know."

"But she didn't bring any flowers," the girl mused. "Why didn't she bring any flowers? You're supposed to bring flowers if someone is sick."

"I've told you two why we were here, now it's time to be quiet."

"Do you know the sick person?" the girl asked, ignoring her father's request for silence. "What's wrong with them? Are they dying?"

Again, he said nothing and went back to humming along to music he could not hear.

"Mommy was sick." the boy whispered loudly.

"When?" the girl asked fearfully.

"Enough!" the father barked loudly. "Be quiet and listen to this song. You'll like it."

He leaned forward and turned the knob on the stereo a little to the right. The music began to overpower the noise of the storm battering the already beaten car sheltering the family.

The girl listened intently as the music quickly filled the gaps of silence her father had so requested.

Gazing at people, some hand in hand, just what I'm going through, they can't understand...

"Who sings this?" she asked timidly. She isn't sure if she is allowed to speak.

"The Moody Blues." her father replied stretching out in his seat once again. "This song is called 'Nights in White Satin'"

As her father hummed along to the flute solo, the girl pictured her mother as a distraught princess being held captive in that ugly building across the street. Squeezing her eyes shut while letting the music gently guide her thoughts, she conjured up images of knights cloaked in white armour riding up to the entrance of the hospital while perched proudly upon silver-haired horses. It was beautiful child-like imagery; so innocent and unperturbed of any ill realism that may come from age and maturity. It would have drove her father to tears had he had an opportunity to peer inside of the mind of his young daughter. But he didn't, not this time. All he could do was glance back at his two children with saddened eyes as they tapped their toes to the melody of a song their father enjoyed. They were clueless, so clueless, and this comforted him.

"I'm going to have to leave you two alone for a bit." the father said glancing at his watch. "You can't go anywhere, do you understand me?"

"Why can't we come with you?" the girl asked in desperation.

"The hospital is no place for children."

"But babies are born in hospitals," the girl retorted. "And kids with no hair have to stay in hospitals until all their hair grows back. That's what my teacher told us."

"Your teacher shouldn't be telling you about stuff like that, you're too young."

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are." he said to her as he opened the car door to escape. "I'll leave this song on for you guys while I'm gone. You like it, right?"

He stood crouched over for a few moments rewinding the song to the beginning as his daughter glared at him.

"I want to see the babies." she pouted.

"There are no babies at this hospital." he told her. "Just lots and lots of sick people. No kids allowed."

And with that, he slammed the door shut and raced towards the hospital with his shirt pulled over his head to protect his hair from the rain.

"Maybe they're bringing home a baby." the boy suggested as the two children watched their father sprint away.

The girl's eyes lit up.

"Yeah!" she exclaimed excitedly. "And it's supposed to be a surprise so that's why they never told us anything. And now daddy has to go in to make sure mommy picked the right one."

"I hope it's a boy." her brother muttered.

"No, it's gonna be a girl."

"Ew, no more girls." the boy said sounding disgusted.

"I really hope it's a baby," the girl says nervously. "I don't like it when people are sick."

"Mommy is sick."

"Why do you keep saying that?"

"Because she was, I saw."

"Maybe she was just nervous about the baby. Like how she gets when she says we can't watch TV because of her head."

"It wasn't that kinda sick, another kind."

"You're just being a dumb-bum again."

"No, you are."

More sibling quarreling ensued until blood began to appear on the girl's hand from the nails of her brother that had pierced her flesh.

"You're in so much trouble when mommy and daddy come back, so much trouble." she said as she smeared the blood around to make the wound appear more severe then it was.

Her brother watched on in fear until he realized he had a scratch on his hand he could show his parent's as well. The car was silent yet again until the girl suggested that they start a "Baby Watch"

"They'll come out from over there," she said pointing towards the hospital. "So if we watch, we can see them when they bring out the baby."

"Okay!" her brother cried out in excitement. "I hope it's not still raining when they come out."

A great deal of time passed before their eyes fell upon anything familiar. But suddenly, there he was - their father, guiding their mother towards the car. She was walking slowly, too slowly the girl thought and there was a stranger pushing a wheelchair walking with them. This confused both children, but not as much as did the absence of any baby.

"Maybe they're coming to get us so we can go in to see it." the boy whispered as both parent's approached the car.

But they weren't.

Their mother, looking ragged and spent, slid carefully into the passenger seat as their father stood by the door and watched on. The girl caught his gaze and he smiled meekly at her.

When the last leg had been swung inside, the door was slammed shut, locking mother and children inside.

"Where is the baby?" the boy blurted out tactlessly.

"What baby?" their mother asked weakly. "There is no baby."

But there had been.

"Are you sick?" the girl asked in confusion.

"No, I'm fine." her mother replied.

But she wasn't.

Their father was inside the car now, looking over at his wife with such hatred that he began to scare his daughter who merely looked on in curiosity.

He looked disgusted.

Because he was.

He looked tormented.

Because he was.

Clueless they were no longer, comfort he no longer felt in their presence. It was all so obvious, even to a child.

During a familiar melody, the little boy in the back-seat named the missing baby "Chuck E." after his favourite place to eat while his sister wondered just what it was they did in that massive building that was slowly fading into the background as that rusty Tempo sped away from reality.
This is not supposed to advocate for or against anything.

Edit: I really do appreciate the Daily Deviation feature. If someone had come up to me on the street and asked me to suggest something from my gallery to be featured as a DD (after mugging me. Dude, do you not know that I have super elite ninja street skills!?) would I have selected this piece? No. To be honest, I would have told them that nothing in my gallery at the present moment deserves the honour. But back to this piece. The effort put into it was minimal and it was pretty much a simple cathartic writing exercise for me. That being said, it was something the lovely *Insignificant-Other enjoyed and I can't really argue with that because she lives near a theatre with a retractable roof.

If you take something from this little piece, great. If you don't, that's cool too. I'll buy you a beer and we can drink to my horrible punctuation. Just don't try anything funny because I'm not kidding around about those super elite ninja street skills.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2005-05-30
His Name Was Chuck E. by *xonlyindreamsx Childhood confusion and dreams charmingly portrayed in the way only a master wordsmith can. Take yourself back to being a small child with this emotionally charged piece of literature. ( Suggested by Insignificant-Other and Featured by Subversive-imaginati )
:icondaf-pho-dil:
daf-pho-dil Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2006  Hobbyist
First, I respect you very much for thanking each and every person who comments you on this piece. That takes time and probly gets pretty tiring.
Second, This is only the third piece I've read by you. I read your journal entry of today, one other of someone's favorite and am now starting from the most favorited in your gallery and working my way through. But you're incredible. I don't have any idea how you can do it. You take such depth and perception into the characters you create, I would think that it is an actual experience of yours. Is it? I've always wanted to be a writer but I dont think I have such talent as you do to bring the reader into truly wanting to understand the character's thoughts and troubles. I'd probly end up writing about some cheesy story about a girl who was crushing on a boy. I dont know. But I envy you. I think I'm going to try some of my very own exercises and work to really become such a writer. I want you to know you've inspired me. Well done. Very, very well done.

I also listened to Nights in White Satin after I read this to set the most appropriate mood. Thanks for a new favorite band!

Sincerely, Nellie.
:heart:
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2006
Wow, thank you. That was a rather excellent comment to read. So many nice things said, I appreciate them all.

Yes, this actually was based on an actual experience. That is why I feel like I cheat about in my writing because it doesn't take much to put depth and/or perception into stories that have already happened or characters that really do exist. The people that can do that from scratch, well, they're the true masters of the writing craft and I could never measure up in comparison.

But I can't knock inspiration and if reading through this piece (and some of the other things of mine you mentioned) have inspired you to tackle a few writing exercises, I am flattered and thrilled to hear that and encourage you to stick with it. If you put forth even an ounce of dedication, you'd be amazed at the results. So do stick with it and let me know how things go.

Thanks again for the wonderful comment, Nellie. This one was a pleasure to response to.
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:iconjazz-you:
Jazz-YOU Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2005
My all admiration to the telling! And your imagination. All to say is already said my dearest. I love your characters so much.you identiofied the age so well.
Well done!
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2005
Thank you.
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:iconwhatsin-aname:
WhatsIn-AName Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2005
I've already faved this piece and written a comment before, but I had to write again.

I just found out tonight that my Aunt lost her baby. She was 3 months pregnant. This piece brought me to tears reading it again. You've captured the bewilderment and all the distraught confusion perfectly. Just really wonderfully done.

Stephanie:floating:
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:iconinfraction:
infraction Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2005
lovely work. Nothing more to be said.
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:iconraven-child:
Raven-Child Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2005   Photographer
I'm left speechless...that nearly brought me to tears...it seems such a short time ago that that was me, pulling the faerie hair out of the seat and wondering about the knights on their horses. I love this piece because you give such an increadable insite into the child's mind...such a sad story

I really like your style in this piece, and the repeated line of the father is a wonderful idea.

This had got to be my favourite piece I've ever read on dA...a facinating and marvelous achievment.

Absolutely wonderful, my compliments!
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:iconblackzer0:
blackzer0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
dude. you got DD. this is telepathic.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
:confused:
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:iconblackzer0:
blackzer0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
confused about what? :?
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
Telepathic?
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:iconblackzer0:
blackzer0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
oh, that, I was thinking aloud. I was wanting to suggest your work as DD today then noticed you got one yesterday. almost creepy but I'm used to that stuff now ._.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
Bunny, you're so cute. I shook my pom-poms in your general direction again. This time I even did the splits. Tore a few ligaments, but it's all good.
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:iconblackzer0:
blackzer0 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
I appreciate your torn ligaments. hope the ovaries are better by now.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
They're at ease and they say thank you for the concern.
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:iconlost-vitality:
Lost-Vitality Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Wow such an amazing story and Im not even a big reader. As I was reading it I decided to download the song the nights in white satin by the moody blues, such a great song and I really got into reading the story. Anyway such an amazing story and sad but amazing :+fav::clap:
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
Thank you!

I like that you downloaded that song and read the rest of the piece with it playing. Don't tell anyone, but whenever I go back to re-read this I always make sure that song is playing. ;p
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:iconlost-vitality:
Lost-Vitality Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
Awesome, well I really loved the story and the song. Great Job :clap:
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:iconollieteo:
OllieTeo Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
you know, I wanted to leave a comment or a fav last night when I first saw this, but dA was undergoing some maintenance so it was in read-only mode.

now I don't remember what i had to say. I;ll just say that you did a PERFECT job of writing in a [very natural] child's behavior. It reminds me of me and my sister. I love it. ^_^
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2005
Thanks for coming back. You could have kept your thoughts to yourself, but the fact that you returned to share them means a lot.

And your signature made me laugh.

:D
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:iconladyfantasy:
Ladyfantasy Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
All I can say is WOW...my eyes were pinned to the screen...I can honestly say that is the first thing I have read in a long time that has kept me glued to it. And I could see actually see this in my mind..I dont get that a lot from things I read. Absolutely wonderful writing.
Never had anything like that happen to me, but I have a brother that is a year younger than I. It was like that was he and I there..Man, I have never had anything captivate me like that.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
I appreciate the read and the kind words, thank you. I'm glad that you were able to envision you and your brother. For some reason that sounds grammatically incorrect, but it's early!
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:iconremaerd:
Remaerd Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
I love how realistic the story is, especially since it's seen through the eyes of a child. It seems like oftentimes people don't realize that children understand when something's wrong even if they don't understand the details. A pleasure to read
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
It seems like oftentimes people don't realize that children understand when something's wrong even if they don't understand the details.

I agree.

Thanks for the read!
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:iconremaerd:
Remaerd Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
I enjoyed it, oh and by the way ^_^ I'm a huge fan of the moody blues! The only concert I've ever been to was one of theirs
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:iconluvbitesnrazorlines:
luvbitesnrazorlines Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
wow. thats, umm... extremely... i dont even have a word for it. if you could combing moving, sad, and meaningful into one, that word would describe your story. i really enjoyed it, and i love your style. it made me think, and thats strange in todays world.
good job,
really.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Thank you very much. If I made even just one person think, that's all I could ever ask for.
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:icondaeira:
daeira Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
the boy whispered as both parent's approached the car it should be "parents", without the apostrophe.

I didn't catch the abortion thing at all, I thought the "but there had been" refered to the fact that the kids believed it so much it seemed real. I thought maybe she had cancer or something since you mentioned that earlier. Ah well, I'm just dump ;)

Good story. Agree with what =demonlight said above, especially about the inverted sentence structure towards the end. It sounds like Yoda speaking :lol:

Other than that, nicely written and everything!
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
I'm laughing at the "parent's/parents" thing because I do that all the time. A year later and I still haven't changed! ;p

Crap, the last thing I want is a character sounding like Yoda.

Thank you for the feedback and the read, doll. It is truly appreciated.
Reply
:icondaeira:
daeira Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Hehe, yes, we all have small grammatical quirks we always get wrong, don't we?

No prob on the feedback, it's only a delight to give :)
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:iconshuararaani:
ShuaraRaani Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
I absolutely loved this peice!

The innocence, fantasy and yet harsh reality of it was wonderful- it reminds meof my own mind at times...I was nearly in tears.

it also reminds me of something...that happened to my own family..my mother...

this was beuaitful, great job
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
I hope your family was able to deal better than mine was. There is still the occasional bitter reference during a heated argument that has absolutely nothing to do with the memory. Like if my parents are fighting over the stove or something.

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.
Reply
:iconshuararaani:
ShuaraRaani Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Your welcome

And I hope someday that bitterness passes...I can only imagine how being reminded even subtely can be very painful especially for your Mother.
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:iconcybernetico:
cybernetico Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
Amazing story, really got me thinking.

I always think to myself how I won't hold anything back from my kids, I won't tell them the world is some dark terrible place or anything, but not be so indirect about stuff. But as I was reading this I started to reconsider, and I'm starting to understand all the fairy tales and lies. It's more because they want the children to be happy and not have to worry, be free when they can.

Really, I've pissed at my mom because I feel really stupid around most people my age (16) because they're experienced so much more than I have. My mom won't let me out of the house to take a walk, let alone most of the things that kids my age do (I'm not talking stupid crap like drinking or partying like an idiot, I just mean going out and about). I've been so sheltered that until lately, that I've matured more, I've been really shy and anti-social. So all the things add up, I never really had any friends and have been lonely, and I now know that I'm ignorant and now that I do have friends I mess up around them and say stupid crap without thinking, so I lose them. It's all kind of a chain reaction from being sheltered so much to the point that I can't gain essential experience and mature, and I sometimes feel childish compared to most people.

But this has given me a stronger point of view from my mother's side, and made me realize logic isn't as much of a gift as I think it is. That is what I want to raise my future kids to be, logical and think more independantly than most children are raised now a days. But it's almost always the smart ones who are cynical, and lack that innocence, so its making me understand why parents are like that a bit more.

Thanks a lot, any peice that can make me reconisder my parenting style and change 1 or more soon-to-be people's lives ought to get a +fav.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
That was an excellent, excellent comment. Thank you for that.

I'm always going back and forth about what kind of parenting "style" I should adopt when I have children. Part of me wants to expose them early to stuff that I know they'll be exposed to eventually, but it's like I want to intervene early enough so I am the one that is there when they are first introduced to certain things. Just the ideas, the explanations, not the actual...things. But then what you said about understanding fairy tales and lies makes perfect sense. Just think about Santa Clause. That is one of the biggest lies that we tell children, but when I found out that he didn't exist (when I was six) I was absolutely devastated. I think that children need a little bit of fantasy because they will certainly have enough reality to deal with once they hit adolescence and beyond.

I think it's all about finding a happy medium. You don't want to shelter your child too much (as you will probably attest to) and you don't want to raise a completely naive child either. You seem like a pretty level-headed and mature sixteen-year-old so I think your mother did a lot right.
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:iconmewseechi:
MewSeeChi Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
:tears::clap::sniff::w00t:
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
:boogie:
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:iconmeeper:
Meeper Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
...This is so eerie....It's just writhing with child curiosity about things they shouldn't be knowing about. o_o I've experianced the same thing, but not via the same route.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
It is a bit eerie, but children know a lot more than we give them credit for. Just think of yourself when you were younger. I know that I always knew a few things that adults automatically assumed I was too young to understand. Granted, I probably didn’t grasp certain concepts in the same way that I did when I matured, but we start off pretty young.

I couldn't even imagine what children know these days. It scares me a bit.

Anyway, thanks for the read!
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:iconkibayasha:
Kibayasha Featured By Owner May 30, 2005   Writer
Wow. That is so amazing, it almost moves me to tears.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Aw, thank you. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.

:D
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:iconhitchcockm00:
hitchcockm00 Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
Prose on DA rarely keeps my attention but with this I was intrigued from the start and then hooked from the blue-haired fairy bit.

I really liked the part about the blue-haired fairy.

"it's fairy hair because it's blue"...."That means it came from a fairy"

child logic is the best hehe.
<random information> this part reminds me of my girlfriend because she says childish things like that quite alot < end of random information>

Showing this through the eyes of a child is a really effective technique, the dark seriousness of the situation is mixed with the childish innocence and that contrast gives extra impact to the eventual outcome.

Somewhere in the middle of the story I thought that the mother was mentally ill or something like that because of the references to headaches.

I think that it's effective that the children are talking about how they expect a baby when infact an abortion has taken place.

sorry for the dis-jointed comment, I was kinda writing what I thought as it came into my head.

Very great writing, well done.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
Ah, your comment was like a stream of consciousness. I like it!

It's interest to find out that a lot of people, at some point, thought the mother had a mental illness or was in a mental institute. I can see how the reference to the headache would suggest that - very clever on the readers part! It tells me that some people are really thinking through the whole piece; trying to piece everything together.
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:iconhitchcockm00:
hitchcockm00 Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
hehe I'm glad you liked it.
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:iconseiya-:
Seiya- Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
this was a truly amazing piece makes me have a really depressed feeling .___. feels like something's tugging at my heart ><...lol, anyway, very very vivid piece, i rarely read anything on DA, but im really glad i read this one.
grats on the DD ^^
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 31, 2005
I'm very glad that you read it as well. Thank you!
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:iconozzybozz:
ozzybozz Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
Wow. That was amazing. It left me speechless.
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:iconxonlyindreamsx:
xonlyindreamsx Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
Thank you.

:D
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:iconozzybozz:
ozzybozz Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
You are very welcome!
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:iconcybby:
Cybby Featured By Owner May 30, 2005
Wow. That... wow. Yes. I've +fav'd more writing in the past 2 days than ever before, and this wll be another.
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